Shopping for my Alarm Clock - PART I of II

The Small Pebble ... more like a Miniscule cobble.

I love looking for parking at the Mall. Kudos to me - and yes, I have the endurance of a mule crossed with a camel. Yaaaaah ... It's just as pleasurable as sticking my !&*^#$ , excuse my language, into a jar of broken glass. I FRIGGIN HATE IT !!!! Unless, off course, I only shopped at Neiman Marcus where spine flexing mortals park your gazillion thousand dollar cruise mobile for ya ...

Why not Valet today ? I mean the sign said $5 - not even enough quid for a Frappucino - so why split hairs ? Why traverse miles of aisles with cars belonging to other regular earthlings like myself ? In a very socialite way I prod the valet-parking-man, "Hey there buddy, howze the going ?" Like I, or they, really care how he's doing ... just park the damn car, I have new Gucci shoes, a facial peal, and Mocha with other socialites ... waiting for my you'll-never-be-this-filthy-rich behind. Or so I had to act, God forbid he found out I'm a phony and still owe money on the car, I'd be banned from all Valets in NJ.

So I'm hemorrhaging with socialistic snobbishness as I daringly walk thru Neiman Marcus like it's a tea kiosk in Kawangware. Not to act stupefied by $3000 Ferragamo shoes paraded like tomatoes at Marikiti, I stop and grab a pair, continuing to analyze them like Mozart, bless his soul, would with a musical composition. "The gentle stitching has penetrated my artistic barriers," I exuded to the salespers ... sorry Customer Relations Expert, hoping to draw his tongue to my boots. I mean, what is he doing sizing me up like a Forbes detective ? "Fall, 2006 ... " he generously shares ... I put my mumonyoko wa ulimi in check by restraining my oral muscle from saying," I should get my brother a pair, he would so totally love them !!!" ..... HOW YOU DZOIN ????

So, this is where the whooz r whooz shop ? I couldnt find a bleeping Radio Shack on the stupid Mall Directory, what kind of wicked sick joke is this ? Then it dawned on me, oh my Gooseness, who the F would shop at Radio Shack at this mocha-frappu-bling-chinging place ? The mall security guys ? - those asinine overgrown boy scouts - Cummon, buying what ? Nose-hair trimmers and shavers for their ever neat haircuts ? Why do they have such neat hair always anyway ? .... HOW YOU DZOIN ???? Clean your whistle and take a hike .... for now.

So anyhowly, after totally grossly insanely wasting an Hr of my so coveted day off, plus the $5 parking fee, plus Tip ... Tip, Tiiiip, are you kidding me ? Tip ? He'll be lucky if I don't leave him inhaling a mix of my flatulence and car exhaust fumes as I peel off a layer off my already-bald Firestone radials. True to my purpose I was still going to find the alarm clock. I was pretty sure this fanshy-shmansy overgrown mall would have the kind of alarm clocks used to awake kings, you know - an alarm that will jolt my loins out of sleep-mode but still look at me like I'm the master. Anything less would end up as a heap of springs and scrap plastic like my old one did after scaring me the hell up and looking at me like it had done me a favor. If the crime of clockicide involves applying an enormous sum of kinetic energy to a clock attributing to its sudden demise, I am guilty. Stupid clock, I dont miss it - or the memories ... who invented that miserable krrriiik krriiik krriiik noise they all make, diseased son of a thousand bastards.

Aaaaanyway, the mall directory shows some electronics place called Sharper Image, store B490. After finding my bearing and calculating how to get from "YOU ARE HERE" to B490, I started to chug forward. So I locate B490 with no further obstacles, and chiming door welcomes me. My eyes immediately feast on the barrage of gadgets occupying this electronics haven. Thomas Edison would be impressed by his successors works. From digital rubiks cubes ; handsfree massage loungers - ( yes - handsfree no carpal tunnel here ) ; Robopanda which is essentially a Rhoomba Vacuum that sings for the kids when it's not sucking up dirt from under your handsfree massage lounger; Water-proof Karaoke shower companion - like the habit needs to be encouraged ? ; If you could dream of a gadget they make it in some village in China and sell it right here at B490.

The alarm clock section was like a mini-mall on it's own. Atomic clocks that set themselves using some supernatural connection with outerspace. There was another that uses nature to awake you. It starts off with birds chirping feintly, waterfalls, cows mooing, then some crazy cock crows when your snooze time is up. How natural is that ? Where in the NY/NJ metro area do cocks crow, leave the waterfalls and cows ? Natural ? That sounds unnatural to me - still better than the Krriiik Krriiik though. Then there was the natural light alarm clock. It awakes you by making the room brighter and brighter gradually. The stupid turd-face sales rep. says that this $149 clock is a new invention. Get off that cheap crack !!! New invention ??? Whaaat you lying &*#$% - pardon my French - this invention has been around since I was born. It was called MAMA opening the damn curtains !!!!

Feeling exesperated from all this broohaha and dejected that this lame excuse for a shopping place did not sell an alarm clock for the mortal back-breaker like myself ... I come to the conclusion that it's time to leave. Or maybe I was being too sordid for this righteous place, oh please !!! slice it or dice it any which way, $149 is waaaaaay much for a gizmo to awake me.
It's what happened on my way back to the Valet that made the highlight of my alarm-clock-shopping expedition-gone-haywire experience.

Look out for Part II of II