Some Gravel
"So - Howze everyone feeling tonight ?" Time to come up for air but nothing in those tepid waters worth mention. Since my revolt from fast food together with the brick and mortar that houses them, my culinar-social life has turned a little ... bland. Kinda like boiled Githeri with no salt, but a few degrees more tasteless than Uganga if that's even a tad fathomable. The mama-drama from drama-mamas rumbling on about being pillaged for mac and cheese; double-trouble from double-chinned urchins with never enough capital for that McTriple stack-shaker or whatever they call it nowadays. I call it capital coz some of these lads and lasses chow down like they're investing in something - like more real estate around the tailpipe area. I guess you could say, albeit very loosely, that they're into real estate. Conclusively, hence therefore, this sector of the populace can be considered realtors or landlords, but off-course - do not try at home - use at your own risk.
Does so transpire, much to my chagrin, that my times in these establishments are dotted with some self-inflicted episodes of humility and instantaneous learning. Take, for instance, a time at the McEatery when I confidently requested my complete nutritional meal comprised of "just chips and tomato sauce." Wooo-ha, the food service expert gave me that what-trainwreck-did-they-pull-your-behind-from look. Bila shame bila haya bila repentence - I rewind and come again. Selekta. In my mind I'm thinking - "if you could take off that stage-artist wannabe contraption from your head and stop listening to that snootie and the hoefish, the remnant earwax will not stop my oral diction from getting to your head. Little did I know that this contraption was part of "work-gear." At this point I felt like I could make more sense talking to a pumpkin or cabbagehead with eyes and a mouth drawn on it.
I conveniently omit (for fear of being labelled an exiled casual farm-hand) ... that I walked into this joint 30min prior to this, and NO they had NO long lines. Me, I McDaringly sat at the McTable waiting for a waiter, obviously drawing some form of parallels between this place and Wimpy. Needless to say, no waiter came over, but yes my keen self observed that newcomers were going up-front and speaking to some McShorry with some helicopter pilot thing hugging her scalp. Shortly after they would get a bag, a coke, a smile and ... you know the rest.
So, any howly, I tried that formula for fit and it raptured in my face. As per Miss McThing, chips are sold at the store and tomato sauce is sold there too. What store ? Bear in mind that where I'm from the store is that little room near the kitchen where they keep excessive foodtuffs. Total bewilderment !!! Like Lucy asked ... Who is you mother ? What ? You miserable excuse for service - I can see the damn products with my naked eyes .. did you graduate from Thika School for the Blind ? After sheepishly pointing my finger to the delicacies she gives me McOrdering 101 .. "You mean fries and ketchup ?" Yes, Ms Bigshot you spoiled brat of a brag, just coz I aint got no job doesn't mean you wipe the floor with my rasa in front of everyone. Yes, not chips and tomato sauce .... fries and ketchup - you just saved a life you underachieving McNothing, go hug a tree ,wipe a tear, then give me my godamn ... whatever you wanna call it. This episode scarred me for quite sometime coz I could only fries and ketchup - the only things I could comfortably order.
The Ripple
There has to be a place in heaven for the inventer of The drive-through™. From the comfort of your sled-mobile in yourveryownspace.com - uninterrupted from your Soukouss Vibration 'volume si' - you can order your 8 chicken rings with an equivalent number of munchkin sized burgers.
Though, howeverly how, even the drive-through is not 100% devoid of muttonheads. Once, while lining up after ordering, this you're-not-fast-enough-for-me customer leaves the line after ordering ... and steers his shag-mobile through the exit. So I pull up and Ms Mentally-Astute attempts to give me Mr Shag-mobile's food and I go 'uh-uh.' The stupid broad looks me in the eye and chides because .... "You must have jumped the line." No breath was being wasted here - 'uh-uh' I refuse - my breath would be better spent blowing a hurricane back into the Atlantic or whatever watermass they come from. This is the reason why some people should not work. She would be better off with lipstick, mascara, lotsa eye-shadow; spreading her legs like a rumor on 1&9. Yeah I said it - again.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Shopping for my Alarm Clock - Part II of II
Caveat: If my ranting has the bearings of an anal-retentive schizophrenic, it’s coz I'm half schizo, half retentive and 3/10th anal; buckle up.
#490 is just a distant memory as I cling onto the escalator rail descending back to earth and the exit, while being forced to go through this swank segregatory country-club-like Needless Markup store. That’s what some geniuses call Neiman Marcus. No sooner had my regularness touched down than an overly-zealous animated caucasian lady pounced on me with the fakest "How you dzoin ?" In the back of my mind off-course, I go "Chillax heifer don't derail just yet, I'm just a miro trying to buy a clock, !!! Maybe my presence brought on memories of a heated mattress-aerobics encounter with another Nubian prince, in which case she sooo needed to get over it .....
Anywayz and in everywayz, not to be outdone in fakeness, I puff "I'm doing just great, thanx, hawaya !!!" To which she says - "Could be better handsome, it's gorgeous out there." I have been raised to know that a caucasian doesn't show that much love to a miro unless she's selling something ..... or herself. How much will it cost, since I was sure her presciousness was going to convince me I needed whatever it was. She proceeds on, "I must say you have such beautiful skin."
The lying B! how disgusting !!! I swear I tasted vomit in my mouth, the deceptive vixen had gone there. She is pulling no stops I can see, and we just met. Lets face it, 2 minutes in the Everglades could catch you a gator with smoother skin than mine. I really hope she doesn't kiss her grandkids goodnite with those lying fallacious lips. Whatever. "Thank you" had barely made it out ... by then she had grabbed my wrist and walked me to a counter with an array of cosmetics even Mary Kay herself would be left gawking. These are not the goodies you'd find in an Avon-peddler’s bag, this was serious stuff, ... like if Ferrari made lipstick this counter had it.
Start Cosmetics 101, kinda like Psychology 101, but dealing more with chemicals used to 'enhance' or in some rare cases 'create' beauty. Create - verb (used with object) 1. to cause to come into being - Nother story nother day. Today Her Fakeness took on a new pretentiousness, yeah she really gives a hoot about my skin texture, what a load of manure. This epidermis has seen acid rain made in Nairobi, Equatorial sunshine, upcountry dust, loam, silk and sand soils; Dorot, Nivea, Ambi, avocado, cucumber slices, mud, facial mud, pollen, nectar, you name it. Aint nothing on that counter – sweedhart – that will undo what done been did. But however - I just humored her so I could blog her big fanny at a later time.
She whipped out a color coded chart alongside a blueprint of the human face. You see fellow earth dwellers; your face consists of – a chin, a forehead, 2 cheeks, 2 temples, 2 eyelids, a philtrum, 2 lips, a nose, 2 cheekbones, and 2 undereyes. Each of these sections gets different exposures to sunshine, rain, the elements, and all the above items met by my epidermis. So Miss all-things-cosmetic continues to bore me with the details. Skin needs to stretch, breathe, relax, exfoliate – sounds like skin needs to hit the gym, then exfoliate. On she goes … 6 different natural herbal moisturisers, 7 exfoliators, 4 restoration creams for all these face parts, oh and off course some organic lip balm. The chart illustrates what toxin you shall apply to what part. The cosmetizoid proceeds to unleash terror on me – “Honey without these items your skin will age and wrinkle faster.” NEWSFLASH - you oversized Barbie : When a Miro man wakes up in the morning he has things like this on his mind : Do I have enough gas ? Do I still have beer breathe from jana ? What shall I tell her ? Will your male-counterparts sworn to serve and protect shoot me for fitting the description ? Miss Overqualifed Avon-girl, my skin complexion and texture do not even meet the cut. Rest assured.
For being so interested in my wellbeing; and fear of her manager’s wrath for wasting time with a regular earthling and not breaking the register with more profits; An ounce of compassion for a fellow being befell me, she better cash in during open window …. “I’ll take the exfoliator for the cheek bones, please, I COULD SO SO really use that.” Only heaven knows what kind of grime this magic portion will lift off these puppies. Like a whippersnapper in a candy store she beams, “ …that’s $159 plus tax”.– WHAT you shameless bandit, what kind of pirate are you ???? $159 for that – Doesn’t the Deli sell that stuff for like $1.59 ? Instead, I put on the same impress-all act I did for the Valet parking man earlier on and whipped out my Plutonium Lead-Free Visa. “You better not decline you stupid plastic moron,” I barked in my mind.
Free of guilt or shame she says, “I’m sorry sir, we only take American Express and Needless Markup cards here.” Now – a little history - The people at American Express do not trust me with their card, what a bunch of cowardly sissies. No sleep lost here. I had just wiggled out of this high pressure sale effortlessly.
THE RIPPLE :
This wretched store is not for folks like me. Apparently these prude stuck-ups do not take the kind of plastic waddled around by hapless mortals like myself. We are merely credit card holders. American Express cardholders are called Card Members. Are you a cardmember ?
#490 is just a distant memory as I cling onto the escalator rail descending back to earth and the exit, while being forced to go through this swank segregatory country-club-like Needless Markup store. That’s what some geniuses call Neiman Marcus. No sooner had my regularness touched down than an overly-zealous animated caucasian lady pounced on me with the fakest "How you dzoin ?" In the back of my mind off-course, I go "Chillax heifer don't derail just yet, I'm just a miro trying to buy a clock, !!! Maybe my presence brought on memories of a heated mattress-aerobics encounter with another Nubian prince, in which case she sooo needed to get over it .....
Anywayz and in everywayz, not to be outdone in fakeness, I puff "I'm doing just great, thanx, hawaya !!!" To which she says - "Could be better handsome, it's gorgeous out there." I have been raised to know that a caucasian doesn't show that much love to a miro unless she's selling something ..... or herself. How much will it cost, since I was sure her presciousness was going to convince me I needed whatever it was. She proceeds on, "I must say you have such beautiful skin."
The lying B! how disgusting !!! I swear I tasted vomit in my mouth, the deceptive vixen had gone there. She is pulling no stops I can see, and we just met. Lets face it, 2 minutes in the Everglades could catch you a gator with smoother skin than mine. I really hope she doesn't kiss her grandkids goodnite with those lying fallacious lips. Whatever. "Thank you" had barely made it out ... by then she had grabbed my wrist and walked me to a counter with an array of cosmetics even Mary Kay herself would be left gawking. These are not the goodies you'd find in an Avon-peddler’s bag, this was serious stuff, ... like if Ferrari made lipstick this counter had it.
Start Cosmetics 101, kinda like Psychology 101, but dealing more with chemicals used to 'enhance' or in some rare cases 'create' beauty. Create - verb (used with object) 1. to cause to come into being - Nother story nother day. Today Her Fakeness took on a new pretentiousness, yeah she really gives a hoot about my skin texture, what a load of manure. This epidermis has seen acid rain made in Nairobi, Equatorial sunshine, upcountry dust, loam, silk and sand soils; Dorot, Nivea, Ambi, avocado, cucumber slices, mud, facial mud, pollen, nectar, you name it. Aint nothing on that counter – sweedhart – that will undo what done been did. But however - I just humored her so I could blog her big fanny at a later time.
She whipped out a color coded chart alongside a blueprint of the human face. You see fellow earth dwellers; your face consists of – a chin, a forehead, 2 cheeks, 2 temples, 2 eyelids, a philtrum, 2 lips, a nose, 2 cheekbones, and 2 undereyes. Each of these sections gets different exposures to sunshine, rain, the elements, and all the above items met by my epidermis. So Miss all-things-cosmetic continues to bore me with the details. Skin needs to stretch, breathe, relax, exfoliate – sounds like skin needs to hit the gym, then exfoliate. On she goes … 6 different natural herbal moisturisers, 7 exfoliators, 4 restoration creams for all these face parts, oh and off course some organic lip balm. The chart illustrates what toxin you shall apply to what part. The cosmetizoid proceeds to unleash terror on me – “Honey without these items your skin will age and wrinkle faster.” NEWSFLASH - you oversized Barbie : When a Miro man wakes up in the morning he has things like this on his mind : Do I have enough gas ? Do I still have beer breathe from jana ? What shall I tell her ? Will your male-counterparts sworn to serve and protect shoot me for fitting the description ? Miss Overqualifed Avon-girl, my skin complexion and texture do not even meet the cut. Rest assured.
For being so interested in my wellbeing; and fear of her manager’s wrath for wasting time with a regular earthling and not breaking the register with more profits; An ounce of compassion for a fellow being befell me, she better cash in during open window …. “I’ll take the exfoliator for the cheek bones, please, I COULD SO SO really use that.” Only heaven knows what kind of grime this magic portion will lift off these puppies. Like a whippersnapper in a candy store she beams, “ …that’s $159 plus tax”.– WHAT you shameless bandit, what kind of pirate are you ???? $159 for that – Doesn’t the Deli sell that stuff for like $1.59 ? Instead, I put on the same impress-all act I did for the Valet parking man earlier on and whipped out my Plutonium Lead-Free Visa. “You better not decline you stupid plastic moron,” I barked in my mind.
Free of guilt or shame she says, “I’m sorry sir, we only take American Express and Needless Markup cards here.” Now – a little history - The people at American Express do not trust me with their card, what a bunch of cowardly sissies. No sleep lost here. I had just wiggled out of this high pressure sale effortlessly.
THE RIPPLE :
This wretched store is not for folks like me. Apparently these prude stuck-ups do not take the kind of plastic waddled around by hapless mortals like myself. We are merely credit card holders. American Express cardholders are called Card Members. Are you a cardmember ?
Monday, October 8, 2007
Shopping for my Alarm Clock - PART I of II
The Small Pebble ... more like a Miniscule cobble.
I love looking for parking at the Mall. Kudos to me - and yes, I have the endurance of a mule crossed with a camel. Yaaaaah ... It's just as pleasurable as sticking my !&*^#$ , excuse my language, into a jar of broken glass. I FRIGGIN HATE IT !!!! Unless, off course, I only shopped at Neiman Marcus where spine flexing mortals park your gazillion thousand dollar cruise mobile for ya ...
Why not Valet today ? I mean the sign said $5 - not even enough quid for a Frappucino - so why split hairs ? Why traverse miles of aisles with cars belonging to other regular earthlings like myself ? In a very socialite way I prod the valet-parking-man, "Hey there buddy, howze the going ?" Like I, or they, really care how he's doing ... just park the damn car, I have new Gucci shoes, a facial peal, and Mocha with other socialites ... waiting for my you'll-never-be-this-filthy-rich behind. Or so I had to act, God forbid he found out I'm a phony and still owe money on the car, I'd be banned from all Valets in NJ.
So I'm hemorrhaging with socialistic snobbishness as I daringly walk thru Neiman Marcus like it's a tea kiosk in Kawangware. Not to act stupefied by $3000 Ferragamo shoes paraded like tomatoes at Marikiti, I stop and grab a pair, continuing to analyze them like Mozart, bless his soul, would with a musical composition. "The gentle stitching has penetrated my artistic barriers," I exuded to the salespers ... sorry Customer Relations Expert, hoping to draw his tongue to my boots. I mean, what is he doing sizing me up like a Forbes detective ? "Fall, 2006 ... " he generously shares ... I put my mumonyoko wa ulimi in check by restraining my oral muscle from saying," I should get my brother a pair, he would so totally love them !!!" ..... HOW YOU DZOIN ????
So, this is where the whooz r whooz shop ? I couldnt find a bleeping Radio Shack on the stupid Mall Directory, what kind of wicked sick joke is this ? Then it dawned on me, oh my Gooseness, who the F would shop at Radio Shack at this mocha-frappu-bling-chinging place ? The mall security guys ? - those asinine overgrown boy scouts - Cummon, buying what ? Nose-hair trimmers and shavers for their ever neat haircuts ? Why do they have such neat hair always anyway ? .... HOW YOU DZOIN ???? Clean your whistle and take a hike .... for now.
So anyhowly, after totally grossly insanely wasting an Hr of my so coveted day off, plus the $5 parking fee, plus Tip ... Tip, Tiiiip, are you kidding me ? Tip ? He'll be lucky if I don't leave him inhaling a mix of my flatulence and car exhaust fumes as I peel off a layer off my already-bald Firestone radials. True to my purpose I was still going to find the alarm clock. I was pretty sure this fanshy-shmansy overgrown mall would have the kind of alarm clocks used to awake kings, you know - an alarm that will jolt my loins out of sleep-mode but still look at me like I'm the master. Anything less would end up as a heap of springs and scrap plastic like my old one did after scaring me the hell up and looking at me like it had done me a favor. If the crime of clockicide involves applying an enormous sum of kinetic energy to a clock attributing to its sudden demise, I am guilty. Stupid clock, I dont miss it - or the memories ... who invented that miserable krrriiik krriiik krriiik noise they all make, diseased son of a thousand bastards.
Aaaaanyway, the mall directory shows some electronics place called Sharper Image, store B490. After finding my bearing and calculating how to get from "YOU ARE HERE" to B490, I started to chug forward. So I locate B490 with no further obstacles, and chiming door welcomes me. My eyes immediately feast on the barrage of gadgets occupying this electronics haven. Thomas Edison would be impressed by his successors works. From digital rubiks cubes ; handsfree massage loungers - ( yes - handsfree no carpal tunnel here ) ; Robopanda which is essentially a Rhoomba Vacuum that sings for the kids when it's not sucking up dirt from under your handsfree massage lounger; Water-proof Karaoke shower companion - like the habit needs to be encouraged ? ; If you could dream of a gadget they make it in some village in China and sell it right here at B490.
The alarm clock section was like a mini-mall on it's own. Atomic clocks that set themselves using some supernatural connection with outerspace. There was another that uses nature to awake you. It starts off with birds chirping feintly, waterfalls, cows mooing, then some crazy cock crows when your snooze time is up. How natural is that ? Where in the NY/NJ metro area do cocks crow, leave the waterfalls and cows ? Natural ? That sounds unnatural to me - still better than the Krriiik Krriiik though. Then there was the natural light alarm clock. It awakes you by making the room brighter and brighter gradually. The stupid turd-face sales rep. says that this $149 clock is a new invention. Get off that cheap crack !!! New invention ??? Whaaat you lying &*#$% - pardon my French - this invention has been around since I was born. It was called MAMA opening the damn curtains !!!!
Feeling exesperated from all this broohaha and dejected that this lame excuse for a shopping place did not sell an alarm clock for the mortal back-breaker like myself ... I come to the conclusion that it's time to leave. Or maybe I was being too sordid for this righteous place, oh please !!! slice it or dice it any which way, $149 is waaaaaay much for a gizmo to awake me.
It's what happened on my way back to the Valet that made the highlight of my alarm-clock-shopping expedition-gone-haywire experience.
Look out for Part II of II
I love looking for parking at the Mall. Kudos to me - and yes, I have the endurance of a mule crossed with a camel. Yaaaaah ... It's just as pleasurable as sticking my !&*^#$ , excuse my language, into a jar of broken glass. I FRIGGIN HATE IT !!!! Unless, off course, I only shopped at Neiman Marcus where spine flexing mortals park your gazillion thousand dollar cruise mobile for ya ...
Why not Valet today ? I mean the sign said $5 - not even enough quid for a Frappucino - so why split hairs ? Why traverse miles of aisles with cars belonging to other regular earthlings like myself ? In a very socialite way I prod the valet-parking-man, "Hey there buddy, howze the going ?" Like I, or they, really care how he's doing ... just park the damn car, I have new Gucci shoes, a facial peal, and Mocha with other socialites ... waiting for my you'll-never-be-this-filthy-rich behind. Or so I had to act, God forbid he found out I'm a phony and still owe money on the car, I'd be banned from all Valets in NJ.
So I'm hemorrhaging with socialistic snobbishness as I daringly walk thru Neiman Marcus like it's a tea kiosk in Kawangware. Not to act stupefied by $3000 Ferragamo shoes paraded like tomatoes at Marikiti, I stop and grab a pair, continuing to analyze them like Mozart, bless his soul, would with a musical composition. "The gentle stitching has penetrated my artistic barriers," I exuded to the salespers ... sorry Customer Relations Expert, hoping to draw his tongue to my boots. I mean, what is he doing sizing me up like a Forbes detective ? "Fall, 2006 ... " he generously shares ... I put my mumonyoko wa ulimi in check by restraining my oral muscle from saying," I should get my brother a pair, he would so totally love them !!!" ..... HOW YOU DZOIN ????
So, this is where the whooz r whooz shop ? I couldnt find a bleeping Radio Shack on the stupid Mall Directory, what kind of wicked sick joke is this ? Then it dawned on me, oh my Gooseness, who the F would shop at Radio Shack at this mocha-frappu-bling-chinging place ? The mall security guys ? - those asinine overgrown boy scouts - Cummon, buying what ? Nose-hair trimmers and shavers for their ever neat haircuts ? Why do they have such neat hair always anyway ? .... HOW YOU DZOIN ???? Clean your whistle and take a hike .... for now.
So anyhowly, after totally grossly insanely wasting an Hr of my so coveted day off, plus the $5 parking fee, plus Tip ... Tip, Tiiiip, are you kidding me ? Tip ? He'll be lucky if I don't leave him inhaling a mix of my flatulence and car exhaust fumes as I peel off a layer off my already-bald Firestone radials. True to my purpose I was still going to find the alarm clock. I was pretty sure this fanshy-shmansy overgrown mall would have the kind of alarm clocks used to awake kings, you know - an alarm that will jolt my loins out of sleep-mode but still look at me like I'm the master. Anything less would end up as a heap of springs and scrap plastic like my old one did after scaring me the hell up and looking at me like it had done me a favor. If the crime of clockicide involves applying an enormous sum of kinetic energy to a clock attributing to its sudden demise, I am guilty. Stupid clock, I dont miss it - or the memories ... who invented that miserable krrriiik krriiik krriiik noise they all make, diseased son of a thousand bastards.
Aaaaanyway, the mall directory shows some electronics place called Sharper Image, store B490. After finding my bearing and calculating how to get from "YOU ARE HERE" to B490, I started to chug forward. So I locate B490 with no further obstacles, and chiming door welcomes me. My eyes immediately feast on the barrage of gadgets occupying this electronics haven. Thomas Edison would be impressed by his successors works. From digital rubiks cubes ; handsfree massage loungers - ( yes - handsfree no carpal tunnel here ) ; Robopanda which is essentially a Rhoomba Vacuum that sings for the kids when it's not sucking up dirt from under your handsfree massage lounger; Water-proof Karaoke shower companion - like the habit needs to be encouraged ? ; If you could dream of a gadget they make it in some village in China and sell it right here at B490.
The alarm clock section was like a mini-mall on it's own. Atomic clocks that set themselves using some supernatural connection with outerspace. There was another that uses nature to awake you. It starts off with birds chirping feintly, waterfalls, cows mooing, then some crazy cock crows when your snooze time is up. How natural is that ? Where in the NY/NJ metro area do cocks crow, leave the waterfalls and cows ? Natural ? That sounds unnatural to me - still better than the Krriiik Krriiik though. Then there was the natural light alarm clock. It awakes you by making the room brighter and brighter gradually. The stupid turd-face sales rep. says that this $149 clock is a new invention. Get off that cheap crack !!! New invention ??? Whaaat you lying &*#$% - pardon my French - this invention has been around since I was born. It was called MAMA opening the damn curtains !!!!
Feeling exesperated from all this broohaha and dejected that this lame excuse for a shopping place did not sell an alarm clock for the mortal back-breaker like myself ... I come to the conclusion that it's time to leave. Or maybe I was being too sordid for this righteous place, oh please !!! slice it or dice it any which way, $149 is waaaaaay much for a gizmo to awake me.
It's what happened on my way back to the Valet that made the highlight of my alarm-clock-shopping expedition-gone-haywire experience.
Look out for Part II of II
Friday, October 5, 2007
Why I do what I do when lining up at the supermarket
THE PEBBLE :
Scene - Somewhere in a supermarket in NJ : Lining up 15 min in front of a coupon-cutting save-a-penny-a-day cucu is not my life's high moment. Ever. That slab of meat is never worth the $8.99 they want for it anyways. But however and whatsoever, the lust for burnt cow parts can only be fulfilled by this trip to the supermarket. Register: "Kachink", Underpaid clerk: "have a nice day." What a bunch of crock, most of the time they're just happy you didn’t bother them with your penny pinching ways.
As the last of this chomz is consumed, a discussion comes to life involving overpriced beef; useless waits lining up to pay, the un-freshness of this overpriced meat stock. It takes the mind of a genius to determine that the next cause of action is to get the meat from the source. Where JERSEY? The source? Now. bear in mind most people in NJ only know how to get to work, the liqor store or church, Newark Airport and back home. The idea of cows grazing in NJ is as far fetched as zero-calorie Ugali. Apparently not.
One bright day 4 guys and 2 chics jumped into a midsize Japanese saloon/sedan and proceeded to drive an hour south to buy a COW. Yes, after buying sardines for years, it was unanimously decided that a cow can be stuffed into the trunk/boot if chopped up properly. A cow, it turns out is not an oversized goat. I remember this slaughter guy looking at us like we were punking him; together with the roughly 1000 lbs weighed by the guys alone the 700lbs weighed by the cow would void the car's warranty instantaneously. So with all the mental horsepower we could summon, two goats seemed like the kind of idea that would earn some award, at least in someone's backyard. So at a cost of $140, the 70lb goat is a steal, I mean we felt like daylight robbers fleecing the likes of Halal who charged $4 for a pound for this rarity. With two goats, an undisclosed number of chicken, 1000 lb of guy, 2 chics and several huge grins, the Japanese car proceeded to rip up the tarmac like it was carrying feathers. What an achievement this was. Ngatho, to borrow from the past, all this for so little; goodbye Mr Meatsection guy, Kwaheri Mr Deli man, Adieu Mr Sausageman, Later-dude Mr Meatcity man, papa got a brand new bag and we shan’t be shopping with you. Or so I thought - we had found our meat-buyers niche and the conglomerate, behemoth supermarket types were never to pluck our pockets for meat products.
Fast forward kidogo. Out goes those smelly stomach innards, the kichwa, the hooves, the tail, the twin-genital containers, I felt like we were tossing all our winnings away. Oh those horns, couldn’t we at least make glue - what a waste ... when all was said we had tossed half the goat away and eaten parts of goat we cannot talk of in public. After all the tossings the Net weight was about 35lbs at that same $140 we paid. Break out Mr Texas Instruments and do the math. Salaaaaala we could have broken even going to Halal.
THE RIPPLE :
Those magazines in the check out line are to keep you busy for those 15 mins that the cucu will be dropping coupon books and arguing that the prune juice is on sale for $1.48 not $1.49
Scene - Somewhere in a supermarket in NJ : Lining up 15 min in front of a coupon-cutting save-a-penny-a-day cucu is not my life's high moment. Ever. That slab of meat is never worth the $8.99 they want for it anyways. But however and whatsoever, the lust for burnt cow parts can only be fulfilled by this trip to the supermarket. Register: "Kachink", Underpaid clerk: "have a nice day." What a bunch of crock, most of the time they're just happy you didn’t bother them with your penny pinching ways.
As the last of this chomz is consumed, a discussion comes to life involving overpriced beef; useless waits lining up to pay, the un-freshness of this overpriced meat stock. It takes the mind of a genius to determine that the next cause of action is to get the meat from the source. Where JERSEY? The source? Now. bear in mind most people in NJ only know how to get to work, the liqor store or church, Newark Airport and back home. The idea of cows grazing in NJ is as far fetched as zero-calorie Ugali. Apparently not.
One bright day 4 guys and 2 chics jumped into a midsize Japanese saloon/sedan and proceeded to drive an hour south to buy a COW. Yes, after buying sardines for years, it was unanimously decided that a cow can be stuffed into the trunk/boot if chopped up properly. A cow, it turns out is not an oversized goat. I remember this slaughter guy looking at us like we were punking him; together with the roughly 1000 lbs weighed by the guys alone the 700lbs weighed by the cow would void the car's warranty instantaneously. So with all the mental horsepower we could summon, two goats seemed like the kind of idea that would earn some award, at least in someone's backyard. So at a cost of $140, the 70lb goat is a steal, I mean we felt like daylight robbers fleecing the likes of Halal who charged $4 for a pound for this rarity. With two goats, an undisclosed number of chicken, 1000 lb of guy, 2 chics and several huge grins, the Japanese car proceeded to rip up the tarmac like it was carrying feathers. What an achievement this was. Ngatho, to borrow from the past, all this for so little; goodbye Mr Meatsection guy, Kwaheri Mr Deli man, Adieu Mr Sausageman, Later-dude Mr Meatcity man, papa got a brand new bag and we shan’t be shopping with you. Or so I thought - we had found our meat-buyers niche and the conglomerate, behemoth supermarket types were never to pluck our pockets for meat products.
Fast forward kidogo. Out goes those smelly stomach innards, the kichwa, the hooves, the tail, the twin-genital containers, I felt like we were tossing all our winnings away. Oh those horns, couldn’t we at least make glue - what a waste ... when all was said we had tossed half the goat away and eaten parts of goat we cannot talk of in public. After all the tossings the Net weight was about 35lbs at that same $140 we paid. Break out Mr Texas Instruments and do the math. Salaaaaala we could have broken even going to Halal.
THE RIPPLE :
Those magazines in the check out line are to keep you busy for those 15 mins that the cucu will be dropping coupon books and arguing that the prune juice is on sale for $1.48 not $1.49
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