Shopping for my Alarm Clock - Part II of II

Caveat: If my ranting has the bearings of an anal-retentive schizophrenic, it’s coz I'm half schizo, half retentive and 3/10th anal; buckle up.

#490 is just a distant memory as I cling onto the escalator rail descending back to earth and the exit, while being forced to go through this swank segregatory country-club-like Needless Markup store. That’s what some geniuses call Neiman Marcus. No sooner had my regularness touched down than an overly-zealous animated caucasian lady pounced on me with the fakest "How you dzoin ?" In the back of my mind off-course, I go "Chillax heifer don't derail just yet, I'm just a miro trying to buy a clock, !!! Maybe my presence brought on memories of a heated mattress-aerobics encounter with another Nubian prince, in which case she sooo needed to get over it .....

Anywayz and in everywayz, not to be outdone in fakeness, I puff "I'm doing just great, thanx, hawaya !!!" To which she says - "Could be better handsome, it's gorgeous out there." I have been raised to know that a caucasian doesn't show that much love to a miro unless she's selling something ..... or herself. How much will it cost, since I was sure her presciousness was going to convince me I needed whatever it was. She proceeds on, "I must say you have such beautiful skin."

The lying B! how disgusting !!! I swear I tasted vomit in my mouth, the deceptive vixen had gone there. She is pulling no stops I can see, and we just met. Lets face it, 2 minutes in the Everglades could catch you a gator with smoother skin than mine. I really hope she doesn't kiss her grandkids goodnite with those lying fallacious lips. Whatever. "Thank you" had barely made it out ... by then she had grabbed my wrist and walked me to a counter with an array of cosmetics even Mary Kay herself would be left gawking. These are not the goodies you'd find in an Avon-peddler’s bag, this was serious stuff, ... like if Ferrari made lipstick this counter had it.

Start Cosmetics 101, kinda like Psychology 101, but dealing more with chemicals used to 'enhance' or in some rare cases 'create' beauty. Create - verb (used with object) 1. to cause to come into being - Nother story nother day. Today Her Fakeness took on a new pretentiousness, yeah she really gives a hoot about my skin texture, what a load of manure. This epidermis has seen acid rain made in Nairobi, Equatorial sunshine, upcountry dust, loam, silk and sand soils; Dorot, Nivea, Ambi, avocado, cucumber slices, mud, facial mud, pollen, nectar, you name it. Aint nothing on that counter – sweedhart – that will undo what done been did. But however - I just humored her so I could blog her big fanny at a later time.

She whipped out a color coded chart alongside a blueprint of the human face. You see fellow earth dwellers; your face consists of – a chin, a forehead, 2 cheeks, 2 temples, 2 eyelids, a philtrum, 2 lips, a nose, 2 cheekbones, and 2 undereyes. Each of these sections gets different exposures to sunshine, rain, the elements, and all the above items met by my epidermis. So Miss all-things-cosmetic continues to bore me with the details. Skin needs to stretch, breathe, relax, exfoliate – sounds like skin needs to hit the gym, then exfoliate. On she goes … 6 different natural herbal moisturisers, 7 exfoliators, 4 restoration creams for all these face parts, oh and off course some organic lip balm. The chart illustrates what toxin you shall apply to what part. The cosmetizoid proceeds to unleash terror on me – “Honey without these items your skin will age and wrinkle faster.” NEWSFLASH - you oversized Barbie : When a Miro man wakes up in the morning he has things like this on his mind : Do I have enough gas ? Do I still have beer breathe from jana ? What shall I tell her ? Will your male-counterparts sworn to serve and protect shoot me for fitting the description ? Miss Overqualifed Avon-girl, my skin complexion and texture do not even meet the cut. Rest assured.

For being so interested in my wellbeing; and fear of her manager’s wrath for wasting time with a regular earthling and not breaking the register with more profits; An ounce of compassion for a fellow being befell me, she better cash in during open window …. “I’ll take the exfoliator for the cheek bones, please, I COULD SO SO really use that.” Only heaven knows what kind of grime this magic portion will lift off these puppies. Like a whippersnapper in a candy store she beams, “ …that’s $159 plus tax”.– WHAT you shameless bandit, what kind of pirate are you ???? $159 for that – Doesn’t the Deli sell that stuff for like $1.59 ? Instead, I put on the same impress-all act I did for the Valet parking man earlier on and whipped out my Plutonium Lead-Free Visa. “You better not decline you stupid plastic moron,” I barked in my mind.

Free of guilt or shame she says, “I’m sorry sir, we only take American Express and Needless Markup cards here.” Now – a little history - The people at American Express do not trust me with their card, what a bunch of cowardly sissies. No sleep lost here. I had just wiggled out of this high pressure sale effortlessly.

THE RIPPLE :

This wretched store is not for folks like me. Apparently these prude stuck-ups do not take the kind of plastic waddled around by hapless mortals like myself. We are merely credit card holders. American Express cardholders are called Card Members. Are you a cardmember ?